Gregory Starbuck

Counselling Service

Newry Court, Chester, CH2 2AZ

Welcome to my blog

 

I am currently working on some posts so please check back again soon for hopefully some interesting reading and points of contemplation

By Gregory Starbuck, Mar 19 2017 08:09PM

How often have you been in a conversation where you feel that there is constant conflict?


I’m thinking that the answer could be ‘Often’.


Have you been aware of the role you play in these conversations?


I recently became aware of a concept known as ‘The Drama Triangle’. Created by Stephen Karpman in the late 1960’s, the drama triangle theorises that when in conflict we typically occupy one of three roles. Persecutor, Rescuer, or Victim.


Placed at the points of an inverted triangle, the upper two points of the triangle are occupied by the ‘Persecutor’ and the ‘Rescuer’, whilst the lower point is occupied by the ‘Victim’. (note the roles are placed in quotes, as individuals shift in their roles)


Typically our ‘Victim’ is not an actual victim, rather the individual feeling or behaving like the ‘Victim’. They display traits of being oppressed, powerless, helpless and vulnerable, unable to make decisions or solve their own problems...


‘It’s not my fault!’


The ‘Persecutor’ displays traits of being controlling, critical, blaming and authoritative...


‘You’ve only got yourself to blame!’


The ‘Rescuer’ displays traits of enabling, feeling bad about themselves if they don’t help, but their actions only serve to keep the ‘Victim’ in their place, dependent and reliant on the ‘Rescuer’...


‘Let me do that for you!’


It’s an all around ‘No win’ for anyone. (and we can all change our role depending on what's going on)


So how do you break the cycle?


It should be simple, and as straightforward as ‘STOP!’, but it takes time to undo all that ‘go to’ behaviour that becomes second nature.


That’s where counselling can help. With balanced understanding and support you can learn to stop being the ‘Victim’, the ‘Persecutor’ or even the ‘Rescuer’.


Arrange an appointment with me and we can start to explore how to take the drama out of life…


And no, I’m not going to do it for you.


By Gregory Starbuck, Jan 24 2017 10:19AM

Why Me??


Indeed, this is a very good question, Why me?


That question, in this setting, has two different contexts. The first being ‘Why me?’ asked by you the reader of this blog post, about you and your life circumstances. Perhaps this question could be expanded to ‘Why is it always me?’, or ‘Why does this happen to me?’


The second context of this question is from my perspective, in the expanded question ‘Why should you choose me? [to be your counsellor]’.


So, let’s look at the first version of the question.


As we go through life and experience the various events and interactions that occur, we might begin to ‘see’ a pattern in the outcomes of these things, these might appear to us as being predominantly negative outcomes.


These repeated ‘negative’ outcomes can become ingrained in our thinking, and start to form a fundamental way of thinking about ourselves, our core beliefs, ‘Why me?!?’


These beliefs might present themselves in a variety of ways, for you, it might be the belief that you are responsible for upsetting others. It could be that you always see the worst possible outcome as being a certainty, or it could be that you ‘already know’ what someone is thinking about you.


Okay, that’s quite stressful already!


Now, let’s look at the second context of the ‘Why me?’ question.


'Why me, as your Counsellor?'


As an Integrative Counsellor, I am skilled in using three different models of therapy, Psychodynamic, Person Centred, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).


It’s perhaps not important to understand what these three different models of therapy are, but it is perhaps important to understand that they enable me to help my clients in a holistic way.


We are emotional, thinking beings that have relationships with others. A past, a present and importantly a future. For my part in your life, it is about helping to make that future a better one.


We might explore your past to understand its effect on your present, to understand how ‘why me?’ became such an important question, and has stopped you from living a more fulfilled life.


Through working closely, and openly together, we can look at the ‘evidence’ to see if it supports the way you are thinking.


But most of all, together, we can start to change ‘Why me?’ into ‘This is me!’


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Gregory Starbuck

Counselling Service